The Things I Wish I Had Known

I am like one of those male drivers..... not in my car, but in my life, going around aimlessly, often lost (99% of the time), not sure where to go, what to do.....I know I should stop and ask for help but it feels like I am in a big desert and there's no gas station around. This attitude is probably what's got me to this point in my life....aimless, always confused, not sure what to do, where to go. It's sad really. How can a forty-five year old woman who raised children that stayed out of jail, finished school and who have jobs be this way? I am not sure. I search for answers but again, I am probably not looking in the right place.

I blame myself. Despite having a mother that taught her daughters to not be reliant on other people for anything, to take care of themselves, somehow, I missed all those talks. Or maybe I just didn't listen to her. Probably the latter.

The things I wish I had learned in kindergarten (or even by the time I was seventeen) would have helped me on my journey to this point in my life.

1. You can only SAVE yourself. I didn't go to college or university. I had planned to but I had a baby at 18 and there was always other things I needed to be doing. My second husband made good money so I basically worked to buy clothes and CD's and to pay for the extras like my motorbike and nice things for the kids. Then we split up. The job I didn't really need before became a necessity and it isn't enough for me to survive on. I wish I had taken the time to get to school. I could have afforded it then. But now I am stuck. I have no marketable skills. I am not stupid, but I can't put that on a resume in the hopes of getting a better job. So now I struggle....every day. The husband that makes good money doesn't want to settle and God help me, I don't know what to sell to pay the hydro bill.

2. Take care of number one. I remember going to a seminar for work years ago when the speaker asked the group "Who is the most important person in your life?" Everyone said different people. Some said their spouses. Some said their children. I said my family. He said we were all wrong. He said that the most important person in each of our lives should be ourselves. I get that now. After years of following around a man that was more interested in his work and pleasing his mother, I totally understand that. I didn't then. It took me getting down to 114 pounds and not sleeping for nine months to understand how important it is to take care of yourself first.

3. In the words of Jack Johnson, "Loving someone doesn't make them love you". Very important.

4. Don't allow people to make you feel guilty for being the way you are. My mother has a problem with me. She thinks I am immature and difficult. I can only surmise that she feels this way because I like tattoos, motorbikes, playing music and drinking to excess. She asked me once when I was going to grow up. I was 38 at the time. I told her I grew up when I was 18 but once my youngest turned 18, I didn't have to be grown up anymore. I think because she's been an old soul since she was a teenager, she thinks I should be that way too. I am the way I am. I think the way I do and want the things I want. And if the people in my life don't like it or can't accept it, they can go. I can deal with that. So maybe they should too.

5. There are often people in our lives that shouldn't be there. My brother calls them 'toxic'. It's important to rid your life of these people. Sometimes that is hard. People get comfortable and they can't let go. Sometimes, you just can't. In-laws come to mind. Or family members. But life is too short to put up with crap. If someone doesn't need to be a part of your life and their very existence in it makes you absolutely and utterly miserable, it's time to let go.

6. Be happy. I know, sometimes it's hard, actually downright impossible! I try. I have my bad times. Sometimes, it seems a month will go by and it's one thing after another. I think I tend to let things pile up. One little thing goes wrong, then another little thing but those two little things seem monstrous and I lose it. Add another and I am downright bereft as to why my life just can't get better, why nothing can go my way. But I try to keep smiling....it helps me to remember that in the big scheme of things, I don't have it that bad. Even if they cut off my hydro....well, that's just going to piss me off......

7.  Finally, be honest with yourself.  For years, I pretended to be happy in a marriage that made me miserable.  I wasn't fooling myself.  You can lie to your family and your friends, but deep down, when you try to lie to yourself, usually to make yourself feel better for the misery-prison you have buried yourself in, it's only yourself you're hurting.