New Year's Resolution?

I found a quote the other day that I really liked:

How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them ~ Benjamin Franklin

Of course, the beauty of this quote to me is that it brings to mind my own faults, which are numerous.  (Yes, I too question what is beautiful about one's own faults, but there it is).  Some of them, I actively work on fixing.  Others, I admit, I can't get rid of.

About five years ago, my New Years resolution was to be a kinder, gentler Sue.  I was going to be more tolerant of stupid people, more patient and a variety of other things that happily, I have forgotten about at this point.  I think one was not having road rage five times on my way to work every morning.   The other was not jumping to conclusions.

This resolution didn't work.  I think I lasted three days.  I have no patience for much.  This much is obvious.  Easier for me would have been to not eat for a month than to change what is essentially my emotionally screwed personality.

I think I am a good person.  Overly sensitive sometimes.  Quick to anger.  Materialistic and somewhat opinionated.  But generally, a good person who cares about the people in her life.

But as a friend of mine likes to point out on a regular basis:  everyone is screwed up and most people are generally shit.  

So am I that bad?  Really?  At least I know my faults.  At least I accept them as being mine and realize that often, I am unreasonable and ridiculous.  Which is more than I can say for a lot of people.

So, no New Year's Resolution for me this year.  I accept myself in all my imperfection.  And if people don't like it, well, they can go to you know where.

Best wishes for a Happy New Year, perfect or not.

To Be (a Winter Driver) or Not to Be

We live in Canada.  More specifically, we live in an area of the country that has snow.  With this fluffy white stuff brings out even more idiot drivers than normal. (See post Pet Peeve #2 in May of this year).  

I for one, am tired of dealing with those drivers that for whatever reason, can't get their cars to go faster than forty kilometres an hour when a bit of snow falls.  It's not C4.  It's snow.

I am not saying that when there is a raging snow storm that one should drive 120 down side streets, passing all that dare get in their way.  I am suggesting however, that if you must live in this part of the country, you learn to drive in winter weather.  If you can't, if it's just too much for you, I suggest you move to the tropics or at the very least, Vancouver Island.

I understand that if you have just moved here from southern climes, driving in the snow may be a daunting task.  I get it. I for one wouldn’t want to drive through a typhoon, lava, minefield or roads that have heaved up due to earthquakes.  Lucky for me, I don't have to deal with that.

But (a big BUT here) if you have lived here all your life, you know that it snows from December to March, sometimes earlier, sometimes later.  There is absolutely no reason on God's green or white earth why a native born Canadian can't manoeuvre safely in some snow.

1.  The Steering Wheel Clutchers - these gems were mentioned in the previous bad driver post.  They scare me for the simple fact that they are so intent on holding on to the wheel, are they really aware of what's going on around them?  Most clutchers drive way below the posted speed limit and sport a look that says 'The devil is going to catch me any minute!"  Just drive.  At a normal speed, for God sakes.

2.  "Can't decide where the lane is" drivers are another treat.  On a two lane roadway, they drive over the centre line.  On a four lane roadway, they just drive up the middle of the right lane.  At least these ones are on the right side of the road.  I know the lines are covered in snow, but really?!  Can't you judge from the curb? 

3.  The Gunners -  The road is slippery because there is snow on it.  When stopped at a stop light or stop sign, hitting the accelerator like you've just took at break at a pit stop at a Nascar race isn't going to get your anywhere.  Scarier still are the ones that do this in those honking huge pickup trucks designed to tow Canadian Forces tanks.  They start fishtailing wildly and if you are unlucky enough to be stopped beside them, you see your life flash before your eyes.

4.  My personal favourite - the Snails.  Driving 20 kilometres an hour no matter what the posted limit (as far as I am aware, there isn't a paved road in Canada with a posted limit less than forty kilometres an hour) is just an accident waiting to happen.  People get angry and try to pass, often when it's not safe to do so.  You can get a ticket.  For impeding traffic.


5.  I also love the drivers that are lucky enough to own a vehicle with four-wheel drive or all wheel drive.  Throw some snow tires on there and you have one invincible human being!!  Hello?  Just because you have snow tires, doesn't mean you won't kill yourself driving like a knob.

Nervous?  Don't LIKE driving in snow?  Not USED to driving in snow?  Don't do it.  Save everyone else some time and some blood pressure points.  There is NO excuse to drive like a moron in the snow.  It's Canada.  If you're not used to it by now, you never will be.  Store your car in the winter and take public transit, for the love of all that's holy.

Merry Christmas.

Super Heroes Buttboy and J Lo Ass Blond Skinny Chick

Only in Toronto?  I sure hope so.....

Saturday night, my boyfriend was given two tickets to a Leaf game and he asked me if I'd like to go. I said yes.  

My only issue with going to things like this is the crowds.  I dislike crowds.  I hate traffic, especially stop and go, the honking, the idiots that are changing lanes for no reason.  I hate feeling trapped in a place, shoulder to shoulder with people.  And I hate seeing things that disturb me.  And the law of averages says, go to a place with 20,000 people and your chances of seeing something that you don't want to see increases.....well, I guess 20,000 fold.      

I was not to be disappointed (I guess that depends on how you look at it).  Please meet: 

Buttboy and his sidekick, J. Lo Ass Blond Skinny Chick

We left our seats at the first intermission.  The hallways are packed with people.  There are people at lines trying to get food and beer, those lines are blocking the way of people trying to walk to restrooms and other people trying to walk back to their seats, it's basically chaos.  We are forced to stop because people can't get out of the way, so I am behind Kevin and I just happen to glance to my right and there in front of me is a guy and a girl.  The girl is wearing black leggings and a tight nylon type t-shirt that doesn't cover her bum.  Are you getting the picture?  I think the leggings were meant to be worn with those long tunic sweaters, but I am no fashion expert.

The girl is to the right of him and he has his finger, oh, how do I say, um, in an inappropriate place, on her, um, I will say that his finger is completely hidden, and he keeps moving his finger, and he's a tall guy and she's perhaps my height, so he's making an effort to reach and really, my good God!!!

Anyway, their backs are to me, they are looking up at a menu.  They are about two feet from me, so pretty close.   I am no prude.  Really, I am not.  I have no problem with public displays of affection - to a point.  But that was too much.  Way too much.

I am disgusted and regret looking over in that general direction because now that vision is seared onto my brain and I fear it will never go away.  But I start laughing like I have just seen the funniest thing in the world and I yell to Kevin because it's so loud in there "Hey hon, did you see that?" and he turns toward me and says "Oh yeah!"  so not being able to leave it alone, because I just can't, I say "It looks like his finger was up her ass!"  

Just as I say that, two men walk by, stop and look at me and say "Really?" I confirm, they start laughing, yell "Get a room!" and as they walk away, I notice Buttboy and J. Lo Ass Blond Skinny Chick giving me the evil eye.  They've both turned 180 degrees and are facing me like we're going to have a showdown.  They're both bigger than me.  They could both beat me up. But all I am thinking is "I hope Buttboy doesn't touch Kevin or I with that finger!"

It's unfortunate, but I haven't been able to get the vision out of my mind and I hope that something good comes of this.  Perhaps Buttboy and his little chickie went home and reflected on their behaviour and maybe talked about it.  Perhaps they came to the conclusion that that sort of behaviour in public is inappropriate and they will make an effort to keep Buttboy's fingers out of J. Lo Ass's orifices whilst they're in public from now on.

Or, the more likely scenario, they called me a number of unfavourable names half the night and got drunk on cheap Tequila.   

I bet the latter.

And the Leafs lost...

What's $200 Worth To You Anyway?

I have two children, Alex, the eldest and Ryan.   Ryan lives with me in a large, unnecessary house.  Ryan generally uses three rooms regularly.  His bedroom, bathroom and the kitchen.  


You can track Ryan's movements within the house at any given time.  If I were to clean the house from top to bottom and Ryan were on vacation, the house would remain completely spotless (except for dog hair on the floor and nose prints on windows).  


Ryan, in a word, is a slob.  I would like to shake my head in wonder and say "I don't know where he developed this trait from" but I would be lying.  I will say that he didn't get it from me.  Sure, I sometimes laze out upon arriving home from work and leave my shoes at the front door, side by side, in a neat row.  Or, I place a reusable bag on the kitchen chair once I've emptied it.  I admit that.  I will also admit that in the mornings, after rushing in a confused daze, corralling fighting Goldens, breaking up fights and pulling gobs of grass from drooling mouths, I often don't have time to place my hairspray in it's correct spot in the vanity cabinet.  Or properly place all my hair styling products nicely in the basket on the counter.  But Ryan.....he brings slobbishness into a whole new level.


There was a time that I would clean his room for him because I just couldn't stand it anymore.  The deal was that any money I found would be mine.   He is lazy with his money too.  He would come home and drop all his change....where ever.  There would be a carpet of loonies and twoonies all over the floor.


This was a sweet deal.  I could make $75 for a two hour job.   I don't make that at my REAL job.  Taking taxes into account, I am lucky if I take home $18 an hour!  


But the child got wise to this and decided he was better off cleaning his room himself.  He realized it was akin to remembering he had a savings account somewhere.  I informed him what would be even better was not letting his room get to that disgusting state in the first place.  Oddly, he disagreed.


So last week, I am about to go out for the evening and he tells me he's misplaced $200 American....in his room.  


"If you'd cleaned it a month ago, like I'd asked, you probably would have found it.  When did you have $200 American in your room?"  


"I brought it back from my New York City trip," he answers.  That was in May.  I don't know too many people that would "forget" about $200 for five months but that's just me.


So I suggested he get his lazy ass up there and start cleaning.  But I would be happy to clean it for him the next day given the re-instatement of our previous deal.  


He didn't bite.   He suggested a nice Mum would clean it for nothing.  I informed him that if I was going to take five years off my life by breathing in unknown toxic substances, it had to be worth some cash.  About $200, I am guessing....


His room still hasn't been cleaned by the way.....that money is still up there.....

The Things I Wish I Had Known

I am like one of those male drivers..... not in my car, but in my life, going around aimlessly, often lost (99% of the time), not sure where to go, what to do.....I know I should stop and ask for help but it feels like I am in a big desert and there's no gas station around. This attitude is probably what's got me to this point in my life....aimless, always confused, not sure what to do, where to go. It's sad really. How can a forty-five year old woman who raised children that stayed out of jail, finished school and who have jobs be this way? I am not sure. I search for answers but again, I am probably not looking in the right place.

I blame myself. Despite having a mother that taught her daughters to not be reliant on other people for anything, to take care of themselves, somehow, I missed all those talks. Or maybe I just didn't listen to her. Probably the latter.

The things I wish I had learned in kindergarten (or even by the time I was seventeen) would have helped me on my journey to this point in my life.

1. You can only SAVE yourself. I didn't go to college or university. I had planned to but I had a baby at 18 and there was always other things I needed to be doing. My second husband made good money so I basically worked to buy clothes and CD's and to pay for the extras like my motorbike and nice things for the kids. Then we split up. The job I didn't really need before became a necessity and it isn't enough for me to survive on. I wish I had taken the time to get to school. I could have afforded it then. But now I am stuck. I have no marketable skills. I am not stupid, but I can't put that on a resume in the hopes of getting a better job. So now I struggle....every day. The husband that makes good money doesn't want to settle and God help me, I don't know what to sell to pay the hydro bill.

2. Take care of number one. I remember going to a seminar for work years ago when the speaker asked the group "Who is the most important person in your life?" Everyone said different people. Some said their spouses. Some said their children. I said my family. He said we were all wrong. He said that the most important person in each of our lives should be ourselves. I get that now. After years of following around a man that was more interested in his work and pleasing his mother, I totally understand that. I didn't then. It took me getting down to 114 pounds and not sleeping for nine months to understand how important it is to take care of yourself first.

3. In the words of Jack Johnson, "Loving someone doesn't make them love you". Very important.

4. Don't allow people to make you feel guilty for being the way you are. My mother has a problem with me. She thinks I am immature and difficult. I can only surmise that she feels this way because I like tattoos, motorbikes, playing music and drinking to excess. She asked me once when I was going to grow up. I was 38 at the time. I told her I grew up when I was 18 but once my youngest turned 18, I didn't have to be grown up anymore. I think because she's been an old soul since she was a teenager, she thinks I should be that way too. I am the way I am. I think the way I do and want the things I want. And if the people in my life don't like it or can't accept it, they can go. I can deal with that. So maybe they should too.

5. There are often people in our lives that shouldn't be there. My brother calls them 'toxic'. It's important to rid your life of these people. Sometimes that is hard. People get comfortable and they can't let go. Sometimes, you just can't. In-laws come to mind. Or family members. But life is too short to put up with crap. If someone doesn't need to be a part of your life and their very existence in it makes you absolutely and utterly miserable, it's time to let go.

6. Be happy. I know, sometimes it's hard, actually downright impossible! I try. I have my bad times. Sometimes, it seems a month will go by and it's one thing after another. I think I tend to let things pile up. One little thing goes wrong, then another little thing but those two little things seem monstrous and I lose it. Add another and I am downright bereft as to why my life just can't get better, why nothing can go my way. But I try to keep smiling....it helps me to remember that in the big scheme of things, I don't have it that bad. Even if they cut off my hydro....well, that's just going to piss me off......

7.  Finally, be honest with yourself.  For years, I pretended to be happy in a marriage that made me miserable.  I wasn't fooling myself.  You can lie to your family and your friends, but deep down, when you try to lie to yourself, usually to make yourself feel better for the misery-prison you have buried yourself in, it's only yourself you're hurting.

The Wastebasket is a Writer's Best Friend

....Isaac Bashevis Singer said that. I tend to agree.


I am not an expert on writing. I love to read and thoroughly enjoy a well written and imaginative story. But there are some habits of writers that just drive me nuts and also, some current themes that I think should be left for dead on the side of the road. So, for another rant post on something I am opinionated about, here goes.

Nicholas Sparks - I must admit, when "Message in a Bottle" came out, I read it. Everyone was raving about this author and his book! Oh lord, it was the second coming of Charles Dickens! Ah, no. Now I see he pumps out a book about as often as I change my underwear (which is often twice a day). Not only that but read the synopsis of any of his books and you'll find they are all pretty much the same. A modern day Danielle Steele, our boy Nicholas. The movie adaptations are actually painful to watch. Please Nicholas please, go write for Harlequin Romance or some equally inane drivel publishing house.


Vampires, werewolves and fairies oh my - I think the world has had enough of "Twilight" and "True Blood". Every time I turn around, there's another series about some otherworldly creature. Enough already!! I have read the Sookie Stackhouse series. I admit, at first, it was entertaining, but after seven or eight books, I was thinking "Wow". Like Wow. Which for me is the word I use when I can not describe the surprise that someone could actually write eight books about essentially the same thing. Sookie has sex with a vampire. Something bad happens to Sookie. She has sex with another vampire. Something else happens to her. On and bloody on. Lordy. (I am eagerly awaiting the fifth "Fever" book though because I must find out what happened!)

The trend of ending the title of ones novel with "Novel". As in,

"The Story of Manchester and Oscar Churchill: A Fabricated Story of Their Life of Obedience: A Novel".

We know it's a novel. I am pretty convinced if you look at the spine or read the synopsis, it will say as much. The definition of a novel as per dictionary.com:
~a fictitious prose narrative of considerable length and complexity, portraying characters and usually presenting a sequential organization of action and scenes.

The word 'fictitious' gives away the fact that it's a novel. Sorry, I just don't get it….


And for the opposite of Nicholas Sparks, who can pump out a novel in thirty seconds flat, is my buddy Dean Koontz. Now, I like Dean. He's no William Shakespeare by any stretch of the imagination but I enjoy his books because:

1. they are unique stories that no one has done before,

2. I like his sense of humour and

3. they always address the conflict of good and evil in the world, always to a degree not usually encountered in real life, but being a person affronted by the injustice and cruelty in this universe, I find appealing that in Dean's book, unlike in real life, good guys usually finish first.

So I began reading Dean's Frankenstein trilogy. I read the first two and was quite looking forward to reading the third, but alas, it just didn't come out. I would keep looking on his website, check book sites for some word of when this book would be available. I think it was close to thirty months before it finally came out. By then, I had to re-read the first two books. Please be a bit quicker Dean. I know you guys plan the whole story way ahead of time. And while I am talking about Dean, a fourth book of his Frankenstein trilogy recently came out.

Trilogy: a series or group of three plays, novels, operas, etc., that, although individually complete, are closely related in theme, sequence, or the like. I read that one too, now I have to wait for the fifth book. Sigh

And finally, like rock stars, I think writers too should know when to call it quits. Two come to mind: Jeffrey Archer and Ken Follett, at one time, two favourites of mine. The last few books however, I question whether or not they were awake when they wrote them. Maybe it's because they were so popular at one time that their publishers don't care what they write, but their fans sure do. Follett wrote "Whiteout", one of the worst books I have ever read and really unworthy of the man that penned "The Eye of the Needle". Retire, my friends. Retire. You've done good, rest now, dear men.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Have you ever seen this movie? The concept is novel, yet simple and appealing all at the same time.

Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet are a couple in a relationship. They love each other, however, they can not make it work. They break up. They are so saddened and confused by it, they have a hard time functioning. They go to a guy that is able to wipe the mind of all the memories associated with the relationship. In essence, wiping the person from the others memory. They are happy about this. And of course, neither of them know the other one has done it. Sadly, a short time after spending the money to have their memory wiped, they meet on the street and fall in love all over again.

There are times in my life I would have liked to have memories wiped from my mind. Now is one. I am a dweller. I stew in my pain. It eats at me and prevents me from sleeping and eating. There are times in my past where I have lost so much weight and slept so little, my family thought I was ill. So, now would be a good time for some eternal sunshine. For once, I would love a spotless mind.

If anyone ever comes across anything like this, please leave me a message.

Being a mother is so very very hard....No matter how right you think you are, it eventually comes back and bites you in the ass.